Taboo

So I officially sent in my mission papers a week ago today! Time has flown by. Well, as I was interviewing with my stake president, about to turn in my papers, he told me that my calling probably wouldn't come for three weeks because of anxiety and eating disorders I've had in the past. While these problems happened only a couple of years ago, I felt strongly that these issues were well behind me and wouldn't hinder my abilities in any way. I understood the precaution the Church takes, but it still hurt me inside because I didn't think that my past would effect me, or my mission call in any way. As we continued to talk though, my stake president told me again and again that I am not alone, that this happens all the time. It struck me that the church isn't being picky, but showing care for their missionaries. It seems that more and more missionaries are coming home from their missions because of high stress and anxiety. Mentally, stress and anxiety are hard enough to deal with, but to come home early from a mission could be social suicide in an LDS community.

While I believe there is no shame in coming home early from a mission (in fact I think it takes a lot of courage and humility), I also believe that preparation for a mission is crucial to success in creating and maintaining "an eye single to the glory of God" and enduring to the end. Without the proper preparations beforehand, many missionaries find themselves struggling for the first few months of their mission, rather than serving and learning. All missionaries need to have a healthy mental, and spiritual well being. 

That being said, I think it's also important for future missionaries, or LDS members in general, who are suffering with mental disorders, eating disorders, addictions of any kind, anxiety or depression, to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. These issues happen to people all around us regardless of race, gender, religion, class, etc. More and more people are coming out and admitting to these problems, not because they're more common, but because they're finally being recognized as issues that can and should be resolved with special help--like any disease. And like any disease, these things are nothing to be ashamed of. Receiving help and guidance takes courage and determination, take it from someone who knows what it's like to be in the bishop's office once a month. Or in a counseling office twice a month. You are not alone, and all problems can be resolved with the help of the Lord, and a professional if necessary.

New Life

I've always been hesitant in talking about my involvement in the LDS church, and part of that is because I've been in and out of activity for practically my whole adolescence. Yes, I was physically active in the church; I went to church every week and to activities but I didn't believe it. Because of this, many of the friends I made weren't affiliated with the church, or didn't live up to church standards. It was awkward talking about the church with them because I was afraid that they wouldn't like me if I decided to be religious again. I loved them and I still love them, but I was afraid of their judgement. More than that, I was afraid that they would think that I was judging them because we had different lifestyles.

In this day and age, being religious is not very fashionable. It excludes many fashionable activities, and I didn't want to be excluded. In the back of my head I knew that life (partying, drugs, sex, etc.) was wrong for me, and when I finally got over my fears of disappointing my friends, I turned my life around. 

 But it isn't that easy, is it? There were still people who thought I was anti-LDS and anti-organized religion. If they saw that I was suddenly religious again, it would just feed the "Utah Mormon" stereotype of being hypocritical and sanctimonious. 

So I just kept it to myself. I wanted to talk about it on social media and to everyone I met but I was so afraid of being unfashionable and judged that I couldn't. 

When I went on my Bolivia Humanitarian trip this summer, that's when I really changed. Yes, I learned about gratitude and service and my testimony was strengthened in so many ways, but the most and greatest of all was the personal revelation I received that I need to serve a mission. 

And then I realized that I can't hide anymore.

So here I am. I turn in my papers in a week and I couldn't be more excited. This blog is a record of my adventures for the next few months before my mission. Yes, I will be talking about the church and religion, because that's what makes me happy and what makes me who I am.

And I'm not ashamed. 

And I'm not afraid.

This is my new life, and I want to share it.