The Day I (Should Have) Left

Today is February 18th, 2015. It is a Wednesday. Warm for winter in Utah.

Today is the Day I was supposed to leave on my 18 month LDS mission to Macon Georgia.

As many of you (whoever 'you' are) may know, my mission has been postponed to an indefinite date in late April or May.

These past three weeks I've had many people ask me about this. Many of those who ask me say "What happened?" or "Why was it postponed?" and my answer is always the same: personal issues. Most people understand that it's probably a sensitive subject, and they just ask how I'm doing. The answer is always the same: doing well.

I've decided to blog about this subject because honestly, I am doing well. I'm doing really well. In fact, I've never been happier or more at peace in my entire life. This has been the hardest trial I've ever had to go through, but I've grown more in these past three weeks than any period in my whole life. And I feel that people, especially those who are going through hard times, dealing with disappointment or fear of disappointing, coming home early from a mission or whatever, should know that it's okay. You are loved still. Don't let your fear of disappointing others get in the way of what you need to do.

To start out, I just want to say I screwed up. I made a mistake. Just like every other human being does. I knew this one would cost me though; my mission was just around the corner and I was well aware of the consequences of my actions. I thought about talking to my bishop but my life was just so hectic with college, I put it into the back of my mind. Then my sister came home from her mission. Her spirit was so strong and as soon as she got home, she started training me to be a missionary. I decided that I could work out my problem on my own, no big deal. But every time I tried to pray, it was always there at the forefront of my mind, pestering me and prompting me to talk to my bishop.

Then one night in January, a little over a month before my departure date, my dad asked me to pray for someone we knew who had a similar problem. When I started to pray, the words could not form in my mouth or in my mind. All I could think about was me! And how I couldn't pray for someone to return to Christ when I didn't even have my issues worked out. It sounds really stupid but when I first got my call I could see myself, in my mind's eye, on my mission, in Georgia teaching people and doing the Lord's work. But I couldn't see that anymore. That vision disappeared.

At that point I knew what I needed to do. That night I told my sister what was going on with me, sobbing, knowing that my mission would probably be postponed and that I would have to disappoint not only my family, but my beloved leaders and friends who had all helped to get me to that point. She told me that the blessings of repentance would be far greater than my pain during this time. She was my first support.

I realized that I had been so afraid of disappointing people that I had made the problem worse by waiting so long.

I was at Disneyland when I found out my mission was going to be postponed for over two months. That was much longer than I had anticipated and my heart was broken into one million pieces. I cried on every single ride we went on for the rest of the day, out of regret for what I had done and for all the people I was disappointing. Still in the back of my mind I knew everything was going to be okay. I kept remembering the quote "Those who have a broken heart and contrite spirit are willing to do anything and everything God asks of them."

I knew that was me. My heart was broken all right, and it ached to make things right, whatever it took. My Stake President told me during one of our meeting that everything was going to be okay because the Lord could see my heart and my intentions. When I told my parents that night they were nothing but supportive of me and even told me they were proud of me. My dad gave me a blessing that night.

After that, all the pain went away. It became clear to me that this is what had to happen. Not the part where I made a mistake of course, I really wish that part hadn't happened. But everything that came after that. I heard in a talk once "Repentance is not a consequence of sin like a lot of people think. Guilt, remorse, and unhappiness are consequences of sin. Repentance is a choice. And when we choose repentance we choose clarity, peace, happiness, and a life closer to Christ." I chose to repent, and that has made all the difference. I've had a ridiculous amount of support from family and friends these past three weeks, and even a couple coworkers who I've confided in. I know that these people are servants from the Lord, lifting me up.

I feel like a fallen angel with broken wings, and all the wonderful people in my life are helping me lift myself up to higher ground than even before I fell. I'm reminded of President Uchtdorf's talk "Of Things that Matter Most" when he said, “As we turn to our Heavenly Father and seek His wisdom regarding the things that matter most, we learn over and over again the importance of four key relationships: with our God, with our families, with our fellowman, and with ourselves.”

If anyone reading this is in a situation similar to mine, please remember that it's okay. You may not have the support that I do, and people may judge you. You may think that if you ignore the problem, no one will ever find out. No harm done. But just remember, when you live in sin you're damaging yourself and your relationship with the person who matters most: your Heavenly Father. It's never too late to change for the better.

When I see the amazing people God has given me, even his only Begotten Son, Christ, who died for all of us and each of us just so we could return to Him again, I realize that a broken heart is a small sacrifice compared to what's been sacrificed for me, and the eternal blessing I'm gaining in the long run.